How to Raise an Independent Thinker
Whether your child generally obeys every command (inside the box thinkers), or constantly challenges every request (out of the box thinkers), you want them to know when they need to follow rules and when to stand up for themselves and for what’s right. How to not succumb to peer pressure and be a leader, or to hand in homework on time.
So what can you do to raise independent* thinkers?
*Independent, critical thinking to the best of their cognitive ability
Different Brains, Different Skills
BRAINS ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL! Our brains are not all the same! Depending on your kiddos' thinking style, you will need to teach different skills to reach the same goal of raising independent thinkers.
Inside the Box Thinkers
Your kiddo might be more of a rule follower. They like structure and don’t like it when things are not going according to plan. These kids are more inside the box, and they LOVE it there! If your kiddo is generally more of an inside the box kind of kid, you can help them develop flexibility.
Understand how the rule makes them feel – Ask them if that rule feels like the right thing to do? If not, why? This will help them to build self-awareness of how certain things make them feel because the last thing you want them to do is following along with what “everyone else” is doing even though it doesn’t feel right to them.
Talk about exceptions to rules – You want to teach them that sometimes it is OK to not follow the rules and give examples of when and reasons why we are not following a rule. (For example when fire trucks have to go above the speed limit in an emergency).
Challenge the way they think about rules – Encourage them to ask why and think about different ways we can do things. Model by asking them questions like “Do you know why this is a rule?”. This helps them understand the reason behind the rules and get into a habit of questioning instead of following blindly.
Note:
Some kids on the autism spectrum may be extreme rule followers. If one step in a process doesn't go according to plan, they can’t move on and complete the rest of the process.
For those with more concrete thinking like this, we can develop rules to help them problem solve. For example, we can teach kids a rule for “what to do when you don’t know what to do”.
RULE: If you’re stuck and don't know what to do next, ask someone for help. Your neighbor next door or another teacher in school are examples of people who can help you find an alternative solution.
Out of the Box Thinkers
Out of the box kiddos do NOT like rules. They are way happier being flexible, they don’t understand or follow rules very well, and are always looking to do things differently. Great life skill, but a challenge to parents and teachers! If your kid is generally a more out of the box kind of kid, they need help understanding the benefits of structure.
Understand the “why” behind the rules (or request or societal expectations) – Help them understand the purpose of the rule and how not following the rule impacts others and what the consequences would be if they break the rule. We want to help them see the bigger picture e.g. why everyone needs to wear a red shirt on a field trip so the teachers can keep kids safe in a big crowd.
Understand that in life, there are hoops you have to jump through! – Whether you like it or not, to function successfully in life, there are processes and rules to follow. For example if you want to drive, you will have to study and take a test to get a license. The sooner we accept these rules and find smart ways to jump through those hoops, the faster we can get to where we want to be.
How to question a rule appropriately – If they don’t feel good about a rule, instead of just breaking it, think about why it doesn’t feel good. And then see if you can figure out a way to still meet the requirements but possibly go about it in a different way. If you simply just don’t like the rule, then go back to number 1 and 2 and consider “How will breaking the rule impact others? Is breaking this rule worth it? How is following (or not following) the rule going to negatively impact me or those around me?” Let's be honest, sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's just not!
Note:
If you have a “spirited” kiddo or one that doesn't like the rules (they're my kindred spirits by the way), try to remember that these types of kids can do amazing things if they learn to use their powers for good. They may be difficult to parent, but I promise you it will be worth it in the end! Take care of yourself, give yourself space, and know you can do it! Our job is to help mold them so their strengths stay strengths and don't hinder them by becoming weaknesses.